Being a control freak in an uncertain world

Ellie James
6 min readApr 4, 2020

The global pandemic of COVID-19 throws chaos into the mind of a ‘control freak’ like myself. Here I discuss my own relationship with mental health, how COVID-19 has affected this and the lessons we can learn from these unprecedented times.

Being a control freak

I have always been what some would call a control freak. As my Mum recently said to me, I will not be told what to do when it comes to me and my future. When I have the choice I like to be in control of where I go and what I do on my own terms.

This character trait is also at the epicentre of my relationship with my mental health.

I have struggled with compulsive skin picking and hair pulling to varying degrees since my early teens. Therapy has taught me that these behaviours come from a need to feel in control.

If I see a blemish or a blackhead the overwhelming feeling is I must remove it, in order to be ‘clean’. Similarly if I see an ingrown hair I want to remove it to be ‘clear’ of something that I feel shouldn’t be in my body. Although I am always aware that these behaviours will make it worse, not being in control of the situation fuels my anxiety.

These thought cycles are very similar to what is experienced with OCD.

The more stressed and anxious I am the worse these behaviours are. The more time I have to myself, for my mind to become overactive, the more likely I am to pick. COVID-19, giving me lots of time and the pressure of global anxiety, is as such a time where my control over these behaviours is at risk.

I have also struggled to know how to manage when events out of my control take a hold of my life.

I think back to when I developed a severe abscess in my second year at university. I was forced to come home from university, cancelling all my social plans and putting the completion of the essays I had due on hold. I was adamant I could take care of myself; meanwhile, facing surgery and an agonising nurse treatment to attend every day was a struggle.

Eventually I went home, which is a decision I am now grateful for. Yet I cried so much at the thought of coming home. I cried at the thought of not seeing my friends for months, falling behind in my studies; but ultimately, I cried because I had lost control of my life.

For a control freak, this is totally and utterly earth shattering.

Our uncertain world

And now here we are — it’s March 2020. The outbreak of COVID-19 has caused a global pandemic and the whole world is on lock-down. We have all simultaneously lost control of our lives.

For the first time in a long while, we can’t choose where we go, who we see, what we do or where we work. All of the choices we wish to make have been put on hold; our liberties have been taken away.

This, of course, throws chaos into the mind of someone like myself — and I am now sure many others. This global uncertainty has put at risk my own increased anxiety, but at the same time a global anxiety.

Personally, I have lost my job and been forced to make a decision: to fly home to the UK and get a job in Swindon, or remain in Canada and ride out the storm jobless. Neither options of my picking.

I have chosen to stay risking unemployment for what I think will bring me happiness. I began this year wanting adventure and new experiences which living abroad offers me. Being able to awe at the mountains and breathe in the mountain air brings solace in a time of global chaos.

Yet I have also chosen this to retain some control over my future; going home would be a result of circumstances out of my control. Nonetheless, I am perpetually unsure of my decision and what this year will hold.

Learning to let go of the reins and let these unprecedented times take shape is something I am coming to terms with.

Taking care of our global mental health

It’s fundamental, therefore, that we make a collective effort to prioritise our mental health in these uncertain times. This global health pandemic is becoming ever more a risk to our physical and mental health.

If anyone reading this also feels scared and anxious about losing control know that you are not alone. There are ways to reset the balance.

  • Call upon your friends and family and talk about how you feel. Never before have I been so open about my thoughts and emotions. As communities we will overcome this and come out the other side.
  • Find your vice and use it to help you relax. Draw, paint, sing, dance, talk, write, exercise — whatever it is that calms your mind. Personally, writing my thoughts down allows the anxiety to weigh a little less heavy.
  • Write down the things you felt positive about each day. When future planning and looking ahead is hard to do, focus on the now and what you are able to achieve daily. Today I exercised, made a nice lunch and applied for another job; it’s the little things.

The unique aspect of COVID-19 is that the whole world, simultaneously, is experiencing this phenomena. If this doesn’t bring our global community closer, I don’t know what will.

We have all lost control and every person’s life has been affected, which makes our individual struggles less catastrophic. I think I am able to cope with this pandemic better knowing I am not the only one who has lost control. It puts my fears into perspective and rightly so.

What we (and I) can learn from this

The unique nature of this global uncertainty also provides us with an opportunity to learn.

Our privileges

Firstly, what this pandemic has made clear to me is the privilege of my problem. Being a control freak is partly a result of the privilege of choice.

My peers and I have lost our freedom of travel, our job security and separated us from our loved ones. Yet this is how many people around the world live their lives daily.

As I feel anxious about my plans for the year being dashed, I am reminded that I am lucky to have had those plans available to me in the first place. My first world millennial problems have been put into sharp perspective.

This shouldn’t take away from any valid feelings or fears one may have. Yet it most definitely makes me grateful for the life I have been able to lead thus far.

The unpredictability of life

This has also taught me a valuable lesson on the unpredictability of life.

One of my set goals in travelling to Canada was to relax into life; to let life take me on a path without having to be so firmly in the driving seat. The outbreak of COVID-19 has made clear to me that best laid plans do not always come to fruition.

Learning to adapt and overcome is a lesson of adulthood that I am gladly learning.

The power of a global community

Yet what I think is most important to take away from this is how a global community can overcome a global disaster. Reaching out to loved ones and to strangers across the world can encourage a global effort to support one another and the mental health of an entire population.

These uncertain times throw chaos into the lives of ‘control freaks’ like myself. The future is ever more unpredictable, each day spinning our axis in another direction. What I hope for myself and others is that we learn from this.

Let’s hold our digital hands, take a deep breath and know that this will pass. Our futures will be reclaimed.

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Ellie James

Writing on the environment, ethics and current affairs